The Seven Annihilations – Fire


Fire is fascinating. It is both beautiful and deadly. It is necessary for life and instrumental in destruction. To some it seems that the Anéaakans are very vague about the details of this particular Annihilation, but I think they were simply leaving out unnecessary details. While the language is very descriptive, I’ve found in reading through these manuscripts that the Anéaakans were nothing if not efficient in their story telling. I believe that so many of the details were left out because they knew it would be pretty obvious how devastating a world-wide fire would be without having to explain it.

Here’s an excerpt of what they had to say:

 Flames came and kissed the world, a great [twist] and flow that covered the land and boiled the sea. Where the fire did not touch, the shades of the people rose up and departed as their bodies slept. Those that were not taken with the smoke saw the beauty in the flames and being [entranced?] by it walked into the fire and were willingly consumed.

It’s a pretty straightforward tale, albeit it a slightly disturbing one. What is most interesting to me about this passage is how the destruction is welcomed. You get the sense in the passages following this one that the people around this time–yes people, not dinosaurs–were completely ready for destruction and believed they deserved it. The fire in these passages is seen as a cleansing fire, the destruction necessary for new life to begin.

Both the scientists and the theorists are silent on this particular Annihilation. While they do differ in their belief about the scope of the fire described, neither has any claims that the other is interested in refuting. They’re about as silent on the matter as the Anéaakans themselves. I like to sum it up this way.

Everything burned and a lot of people died, but they seemed mostly fine with it.

One of the many reasons I am glad I was born in this era instead of being a writer in ancient times. I’m far too straight-forward to have penned something like the Epic of Gilgamesh. If you join me tomorrow, however, we’ll move on to the much more well-known Annihilation, the Annihilation of Water. (For real this time.) Included in tomorrow’s post will be discussions about Noah, Atlantis, and–if we’re lucky–sexy mermaids.



The Seven Annihilations – Air


Air is never the thing we expect is going to kill us. When paranoid people–myself included–have terrible nightmares of the things that will kill them, it usually doesn’t involve air. It’s always something more obvious like fire or water. Let’s be honest, though. Even in those scenarios, most of the time it’s not the water that kills you or the fire, but the lack of AIR. Most people that die in house fires die from suffocation long before the actual flames get to them.

So now that you’re thinking those pleasant thoughts, let’s pick back up with what the ancient Anéaakans have to say about the surprising deadliness of air:

Great Serpent came, and with his flaming tail struck the world and the world shook dust of the last destruction to blacken the sky. Serpent drew wide his mouth and out there came a [poison or fume] that choked all things [walking tall].”

Everyone seems to agree that this sounds a lot like the story of a meteor hitting the earth, but that’s where the agreement ends. While scholars have had a hard time finding evidence pointing to both an earthquake AND a meteor strike occurring within the time period and area that Anéaakans were supposed to have lived in, they fall back on what seems to be the most logical explanation. These things did not happen directly to the Anéaakans, but are tales of past tragedies that have been passed down and were possibly even appropriated from other cultures.

The internet theorists believe that the meteor strike being described is the same one that wiped out–you guessed it–the dinosaurs. They don’t believe this is the description of a small meteorite landing and taking out a localized portion of a human population, but that this describes the downfall of humanity’s time as lizards.

All it makes me wonder about is whether or not dinosaurs had dino-societies and perhaps dino-jobs. Science can say no, this chance is so slim that they can almost certainly declare it as a fact, but all I have to say to that is:

so you're telling me there's a chance

I’m off to try to remember my past life as a dinosaur security guard. Join me tomorrow when we talk about the coolest sounding Annihilation, the Annihilation of Fire.

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Note: I had to go back and edit this post because I mistakenly put that the next annihilation would be Water instead of Fire. Apologies for the confusion!

The Seven Annihilations – Earth


The first four Annihilations, collectively known as the Elemental Annihilations, are the most straightforward. We can also see evidence of the destruction described in some of these myths, giving us a clear idea of their origins–at least in the case of the later Annihilations. The Annihilation of Earth is the tale that causes most of the controversy among scholars and theorists. Here’s one of the translated passages:

“There was screaming in the deep when the world broke. When She pulled away and all was shaking, the waters came to fill Her emptiness. Mountain was torn from his brother. Valley was sent below the sea to mourn. The shaking did not cease for an age and a day.”

It is important to note that “She” refers to the Earth. The Anéaakans believed that when the bringer of the first Annihilation was born, she was born as a woman. After bringing about the destruction and seeing even her own children destroyed, she was born in every life thereafter as a man so she would never again know the pain of motherhood.

To most, this passage may not seem like much. For many scholars it describes a massive earthquake, which is common enough to be attributed to a reasonable age when man was known to have walked the earth. It may not have even been large enough to wipe out humanity, but to wipe out a large portion of the ancient  Anéaakans. The controversy stems from internet theorists claiming that the destruction the Anéaakans speak of is the period when the supercontinent of Pangaea experienced a massive earthquake that helped shift the continents into the position we know today.

No evidence has been found by geologists to support this. In fact, Pangaea is estimated to have taken entire geologic eras to shift apart. On top of that, there wouldn’t have been any humans around during that time. That doesn’t stop the theorists however, who believe everything the Anéaakans say to have a grain of truth. They cite this passage to defend their position that the Anéaakans have memory of life before humanity:

“Blood was cold in the time before. Life was devouring, life was teeth and [screaming?]”

Historians say this is just a passage describing how life was really bad–how could it not be when they didn’t even have toilets yet? But the theorists like to say this is clear evidence that the Anéaakans knew about dinosaurs somehow. Some even go so far as to say that the Anéaakans–and indeed all of us–once WERE dinosaurs and the Anéaakans were blessed with the ability to remember their past lives as lizards.

I think the idea is absolutely bonkers, of course, but it is a nice thought. I would have made a fantastic dinosaur. Maybe a plesiosaur or a triceratops–or perhaps a t-rex. I do find myself frequently frustrated by how short my arms are, and this anger causes me to lash out at others. So  maybe the wackos are onto something.

Join me tomorrow when I’ll be discussing the Annihilation of Air, which will delve deeper into the “we used to be dinosaurs” theory and explain how air can kill you.


The Seven Annihilations – Introduction

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately into the religious beliefs of a little known group of Native Americans known as the Anéaakans. There isn’t too much information out there about them, but it’s not for a lack of trying. Archaeologists and anthropologists have been trying to track down solid information about this elusive people for decades but very little trace of their culture remains. What is known of them is scarce enough that some scholars have begun to question if they were ever real at all.

I don’t much care about the facts. What we do know is interesting enough to fuel wild speculation that can keep me busy for a while. Now the most interesting myth we have from the Anéaakans is the story of the seven annihilations. The tale has been very poorly translated due to the lack of samples available of the Anéaakans written language, but I believe I’ve managed to get a good feel for the meaning intended.

The following series will go over each annihilation. These are the seven periods of total destruction the Anéaakans believe a world must go through before it reaches “The Final Peace”:

  1. Annihilation of Earth
  2. Annihilation of Air
  3. Annihilation of Fire
  4. Annihilation of Water
  5. Annihilation of Light
  6. Annihilation of Darkness
  7. Annihilation of Spirit

It is not certain in the writings which Era we are currently in, but many have speculated we are approaching the Annihilation of Light. There are supposedly beings that walk the earth endowed with the destructive powers of the previous apocalypse. They bring wisdom and are key in ushering in the next Annihilation.

In my next post, I’ll go into details about what we know of the first Annihilation.


Stiff and Dirty – Banana Frappes for the Lazy

Well, guys I was finally able to kill that banana craving. I was too lazy to prepare many of those bananas, so I ate them the way nature intended. Being as it’s so hot, though, I decided to turn some into fabulous shakes and I thought you’d enjoy it as well. It’s by no means a unique way of eating a banana, but it is one I am fond of.

  1. So here’s the deal, you get you one big banana–two if you’re feeling adventurous–and you chop them up. Chop them up how you like, it just makes the next step easier.
  2. Alright now put those tasty banana slices in a big ol’ baggie and toss them in the freezer. You can wait until they’re frozen and use them right then, or you can completely forget about them for a week and attempt to learn to play clarinet. Don’t worry, the bananas will be there for you when you want them.
  3. I don’t know about you, but I’m bad about letting milk go bad before I use it. So I don’t really keep it around much. Can’t deal with the guilt of having wasted perfectly good cow juice. So to make my bananas even more delicious I get some pre-made cold coffee blend. I’m a fan of International Delight’s Light Mocha, but hey, it’s a free country, use what you want. Take a cup of your chosen liquid, be it milk or mocha, and toss that into the blender you picked up off an infomercial one night when you were drunk and found it really neat how they made margaritas in three seconds.
  4. Now go grab your banana. No, the other one. Get that poor thing out of the freezer. It probably thinks you’ve forgotten about it. Reassure the bananas that you love them and then toss them to their milky death. Blend them, blend them like there is no tomorrow.
  5. When the bananas are blended, taste. Depending on the integrity of your bananas, you may end up with a nice firm shake or it may be a milky mess. In the event of a milky mess, try adding a handful of ice for crunch or a few more banana slices for substance. There are no rules here.

Now here’s the tl;dr version for those of us with attention issues.

  • Chop bananas
  • Freeze bananas
  • Put 1 cup of coffee drink or milk into a blender with the frozen bananas
  • Blend
  • Add ice or more bananas as needed until happy


When you finish, it won’t look anything like this. You’ll toss it into a chipped glass you’ve had in your cupboard since Reagan was President and if you’re feeling fancy you might spring for the straw. There’s nothing wrong with that. Enjoy your shake you magnificent sloth.

The Story Starts with a Banana


Today I decided I wanted a banana. I really hadn’t planned on leaving the house at all. The heat in the Southern U.S. is killer this time of the year – I wilt like a clipped daisy in the sun. But this craving, oh my-this was a strong craving. I imagine it was akin to the cravings that pregnant women get, but I can’t say I’ve had the experience to know for sure. Still, it was strong enough to compel me to leave my air-conditioned bungalow, hop on my turquoise painted Schwinn, and head for the grocery store down the road.

The air was so thick I felt like I was biking through bath water, but the thought of a ripe, creamy banana kept me going. It’s nature’s perfect fruit, I tell ya. It gets tastier the longer you have it and it comes wrapped in a convenient package that will keep your hands from getting sticky while you eat it. The farther along I went, the more I started thinking of different banana preparations. By the time I made it to the store, I had already planned making the most glorious banana frappe known to man.

“Store closed for cleaning. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

I couldn’t give up now. I had already begun to sweat in pursuit of this banana and that sweat should not go to waste. I locked my bike up and decided to try the gas station. It seemed like a long shot, but I felt like I had seen some oranges there once.

The gas station was farther away than I had planned on going, but I was already committed. The attendant behind the counter was eating a banana when I walked in, so that was a good sign. When I asked her if there were any more bananas, she stopped mid-chew and dropped her Sharpie. She had been drawing mustaches on celebrities in a magazine.

No, she was eating the last one. She had been afraid it was going to go bad. After all, who buys fruit at a gas station? I know I had to have been the picture of disappointment. How could I not have been? The back of my shirt had a nice pyramid of sweat and for what? Absolutely nothing. No banana frappes, bananas foster, or plain bananas for me. Just sweat and sadness.

The woman carefully laid the peel on the counter so that what she hadn’t eaten yet of the banana’s insides wouldn’t touch the surface and held a finger up for me to wait. I watched her disappear into through a small door behind the counter and a moment later she came back out with a beautiful, perfectly ripe bunch of bananas. I called her an angel and she snorted, but I meant it. I paid for the banana, thanked her again, and went back out to my bike where I loaded the precious cargo into my wicker basket and strapped on my helmet.

Now that I had my bananas, I could finally focus on something else and I found the thing to focus on. I had just found my next story. Because when I looked into the door behind the woman in the gas station, I hadn’t seen a store-room, or even a break room–it was nothing more than a shallow broom closet. I had seen two shelves, a broom, and a mop. There certainly hadn’t been any bananas.

I think they’ll be seeing me at the gas station again very soon.