Stiff and Dirty – Banana Frappes for the Lazy

Well, guys I was finally able to kill that banana craving. I was too lazy to prepare many of those bananas, so I ate them the way nature intended. Being as it’s so hot, though, I decided to turn some into fabulous shakes and I thought you’d enjoy it as well. It’s by no means a unique way of eating a banana, but it is one I am fond of.

  1. So here’s the deal, you get you one big banana–two if you’re feeling adventurous–and you chop them up. Chop them up how you like, it just makes the next step easier.
  2. Alright now put those tasty banana slices in a big ol’ baggie and toss them in the freezer. You can wait until they’re frozen and use them right then, or you can completely forget about them for a week and attempt to learn to play clarinet. Don’t worry, the bananas will be there for you when you want them.
  3. I don’t know about you, but I’m bad about letting milk go bad before I use it. So I don’t really keep it around much. Can’t deal with the guilt of having wasted perfectly good cow juice. So to make my bananas even more delicious I get some pre-made cold coffee blend. I’m a fan of International Delight’s Light Mocha, but hey, it’s a free country, use what you want. Take a cup of your chosen liquid, be it milk or mocha, and toss that into the blender you picked up off an infomercial one night when you were drunk and found it really neat how they made margaritas in three seconds.
  4. Now go grab your banana. No, the other one. Get that poor thing out of the freezer. It probably thinks you’ve forgotten about it. Reassure the bananas that you love them and then toss them to their milky death. Blend them, blend them like there is no tomorrow.
  5. When the bananas are blended, taste. Depending on the integrity of your bananas, you may end up with a nice firm shake or it may be a milky mess. In the event of a milky mess, try adding a handful of ice for crunch or a few more banana slices for substance. There are no rules here.

Now here’s the tl;dr┬áversion for those of us with attention issues.

  • Chop bananas
  • Freeze bananas
  • Put 1 cup of coffee drink or milk into a blender with the frozen bananas
  • Blend
  • Add ice or more bananas as needed until happy


When you finish, it won’t look anything like this. You’ll toss it into a chipped glass you’ve had in your cupboard since Reagan was President and if you’re feeling fancy you might spring for the straw. There’s nothing wrong with that. Enjoy your shake you magnificent sloth.


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